One of my Nana's used to tell me about a famous black and white movie star called Fatty Arbuckle. I always felt that there was a moral to the stories. I am overweight, morbidly obese even. What Marjorie Dawes would call a "Fatty Fat Fatty". I have battled with weight all of my life at one point or another. I can say that I have been my heaviest since I stopped smoking. When I quit smoking I said to myself everyday that I did not care if I put on weight because smoking would kill me first. Well how wrong was I. I promised myself to quit smoking before I was 30 so I could make it to 40 and also because at the time we were looking at co-parenting with close friends as a possibility (again the urge to procreate provided a very strong incentive). Now I am scared that my weight may well trump the smoking.
I have never much spoken about my weight other than when it comes up in polite conversation (if you can call it polite or not is another posting, some people think they have a right to tell you why you are so overweight and what you need to fix it without batting an eyelid, or comment "you've lost weight haven't you" when you have obviously gained a few....must stop venting). I do talk to others I know who share a common girth. The biggest problem I have is that I know what my weight means for my health. I am a health professional. I know how to fix it. I have also heard and know all of the self help jargon. I get frustrated when I hear others discuss their weight and usually because I echo their stories in my mind with the self saying "oh I know, it's such a burden" and "they just don't understand". I also have the Nurse saying "get off your fat arse and walk" or "enough excuses and get on with it". There is also that third voice. The dark cloud as everyone mentions. Yes weight is directly linked to depression. How can you not be depressed when others body language is constantly telling you you are wrong. Just wrong. So wrong.
The sad part is that I have noticed that I am not so much alone anymore. It seems the world is bursting out all over. Where there was once the one or two fatties in a class there are now five or six, if stats are to be believed. At work I am always hearing how the bariatric patient is no longer a rarity and that they are going to break the health budget (along with Alzheimer's and aged) and a few beds and chairs along the way (humour, the proverbial defense mechanism). I do dread flying and as much as I see the horror on my fellow aviators as I walk down the isle, I feel the horror and sorrow of making another person less christian as those horrible judgments fly through their minds.
Well what am I trying to say? I guess that I am not looking for advice, sympathy or even encouragement. I know that none of the fads are my friends. I know that I and I alone can change this and that I need to do it for me and for me alone. I do have a powerful weapon in Vince. He is with me all the way and I know that, but he can't do it either. I tried the drugs. I draw the line at surgery because I have seen so many stuff ups made by God (sorry Grossly Overpaid Doctors) and know the true failure rates (they are proving to be as ineffective as all the other treatments). It is up to me.
I have had a number of people comment that they are concerned about how I will cope with the two little ones when they arrive because of my weight. One thing I am proud of is that I have managed to keep a certain amount of fitness despite my weight. I can thank my brother Peter for this because he is an inspiration having gone through this himself. I could not run up a set of stairs, but I can run a 100 metres if needed. I can still ride a bike (it just needs to be strong enough, there's that bariatric equipment issue again - how are you meant to exercise when the only equipment you can use is 10 times the price, someone out there has seen a market and cornered it). I huff and puff and I keep on going.
So after all of that I would like to congratulate myself. Since we decided to follow our dream and started on down the road in May this year I have lost a grand total of 13kg. Yah for me! I am doing this for me. I am not doing it for the children. I am doing this so that I can be with my children for as long as possible. I am doing it for me so that I do not feel like a hypocrite when I tell them it is not healthy for them. I am doing it so that I do not feel the guilt of being a poor role model. We kid ourselves if we say we are doing for the children. I am also not giving any guarantees. I know my goals and I am aiming directly for them. What I will do is every now and then share my success. When quiting smoking they tell you to accept and acknowledge the praise for success. I believe it helped. I am not seeking praise mind you. The praise comes from myself and for myself. So I say again, Yah for me, myself and the Nurse.